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Title: Discerning The Loving Heart Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
E-mail: mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com Copyright: © 2003 by
Margaret Paul Web Address: http://www.innerbonding.com Word
Count: 663 Category: Relationships

DISCERNING THE LOVING HEART By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

How often have you had the experience of connecting with someone
- a friend or a potential partner - who turns out to be an
uncaring person? At first you think this is a really good
person, and then down the line you discover that the person is
self-centered, narcissistic, angry and uncaring. You wonder how
you could be so wrong, and what can you do differently next time?

I have discovered in my 35 years of counseling that people seem
to decide very early in their lives whether or not they want to
care about and have compassion for others’ feelings. As a
result, people have different levels of the willingness to feel
others’ feelings. Some of us deeply feel others’ pain and joy,
while other people don’t. Some people can recall caring about
others’ pain and joy from a very young age, while other people
remember being concerned mostly with their own feelings and
needs.

The people who have chosen the deeper level of compassion are
often the ones that become the caretakers, while the less
compassionate people become the takers. Caretakers are people
who have learned to take responsibility for others’ feelings and
well-being, while takers are people who expect others to take
responsibility for their feelings and well-being and often blame
others when they don’t take on this responsibility.

If you are a compassionate person who easily feels others’
feelings, you might find yourself drawn to people who are in
pain. Your compassionate heart naturally wants to help those
people who are in pain, not only out of caring, but also because
their pain is painful to you. The problem is that this person
might not care about your feelings as much as you care about his
or hers.

So, how do you become discerning of who has a loving, caring and
compassionate heart? The first step is to focus on developing as
much compassion for your own feelings as you have for others.
Often, very caring people leave themselves out, caring about
others far more than they care about themselves. This leaves
them vulnerable to becoming the caretaker for someone who just
wants someone else to take care of them, and then gets angry
when you don’t do it “right.” If you develop compassion for
yourself, you will start to feel much more quickly when someone
is not really caring about you. If you are just focused on
another’s feelings, you won’t notice what you feel, and it is
your own feelings that allow you to discern caring from a lack
of caring.

The next step is to understand and accept that, no matter how
caring you are to others, you have no control over how caring
others are with you. You can’t make someone be caring, and the
more you take care of another’s feelings and well-being while
ignoring your own, the less caring the other will be. The other
person becomes a mirror for your lack of caring about yourself.

The more you learn to take full, 100% responsibility for your
own feelings, the more another’s lack of caring will be
intolerable to you. The more you are able to stay tuned into
yourself and trust your own perceptions, the quicker you will
discern a lack of caring in others. The more you accept your
lack of control over getting others to be caring, the quicker
you will let go of people who are intent on getting caring but
not much concerned with giving it.

It really doesn’t take long to discern the loving heart once you
have compassion for yourself, trust your perceptions, and accept
your lack of control over others. People betray their intention
to either give love or to get it, or to give to get, with
everything they say and do. With practice, you can learn to
discern the loving heart very early in a relationship. If you
want to stop recreating the same relationships over and over,
then develop your power of discernment.

You just can’t beat fiber for its heart health, weight loss, and energy producing qualities.

Dr. Glenn A. Gaesser, professor of exercise physiology at the University of Virginia and author of Big Fat Lies says, “I consider fiber almost the “food of the Gods; it’s that important to our good health.” Especially heart health. Fiber will lower cholesterol and make you feel full with fewer calories.

Fiber is a special form of carbohydrate. It slows down digestion, which in turn slows the movement of carbs (in the form of glucose) into your blood stream thus stabilizing blood sugar. For this and other reasons, including fending off hunger pangs, fiber plays a leading role in the two leading low carb diets…Dr. Atkins and the South Beach Diet.

Fiber binds up the fat we eat and carries it out of your body before it can attach to your thighs, belly or other unwanted locations. The best sources of fiber are vegetables, whole grains, beans, legumes and nuts. Beans should be a staple in your diet. Try to include them at least four or five times per week. You can cook up a batch in the crock-pot and freeze the leftovers in plastic containers.

Starting your day with a high fiber cereal will keep your energy level high all morning. My personal favorite is old-fashioned oatmeal, which takes less than 2 minutes cooking in the microwave. Stir in a tablespoon or two of cold pressed flax oil or virgin coconut oil, mix in a few frozen or fresh berries and sprinkle on some Splenda and a small amount of half and half. It’s a great way to start the day and it’s umm good!

If you combine dietary fiber with fat you can further reduce the speed at which food leaves your stomach and thus the rate at which glucose enters your bloodstream. For example if you are going to eat an apple have a slice of cheese with it.

Fiber works in concert with fat, prolonging the elevation of the hormone during digestion, which keeps you satisfied longer.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

The cardiologist looked up from the treadmill report and grimly stated, “You are a walking time bomb. You need to go to the hospital immediately.” Two days later a heart surgeon sawed open Gene Millen’s chest and stitched in bypasses to six clogged arteries.

“A six way heart bypass isn’t a record” said Gene, “but it’s not bad for a skinny 59 year old with normal cholesterol and blood pressure. The villains and heroes in the heart attack melodrama may surprise you as they have me.”

Gene Millen reviews new research on heart attack risks that are more dangerous than high cholesterol… and how natural supplements and heart vitamins can send them packing! Check out The Heart Health website at http://www.heart-health-for-life.com

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